So after my unintentional summer hiatus I am doing it again.
So on my mind today...I think I want to discuss prioritizing as a working mom and how to remain yourself in crazy times like this. Not saying I know how to and I am certainly open to opinion. How to rebuild your life 101? How to relearn all you knew? Lotsa different titles. How to be an adult with another scatterbrained adult who means well? I don't know but let's see...
After recently jumping back into the workforce with an hour commute (yea not happy and looking for closer employment) I now have to depend on everyone else to help and I HATE that. When I come home life is a flurry of movement, a sloppy and disorganized tango of childen, bills, dishes, laundry, dinner, dog and everything. This is a disaster for an Adult ADDer. I am trying to find a way to get organized and I desperately want to but how can I when my head is the 12 different directions? I need to start saying no and just doing what I have to. "Normal" people don't see the work/life juggle as this much of a struggle. For me and those like me it's like a chorus of really bad loud jingle bells. So the cycle goes like this...I get overwhelmed, I snap at people and things, I get sad, I give up. I don't want it that way because I have to learn to deal but if I truly don't know how then what do I do. My "right" mind knows I have to schedule myself and open bills and straighten up but then there's the other procrastinating side that just doesn't care. I need to kill that side but again...how?
At 33 years old with 2 sons and a soon to be husband it's super difficult to admit that you need help. Pride, feeling stupid, not measuring up all get in the way so here I am very publically asking for help. I am trying to set an exmaple for my son on how to live with this but I cant when I don't even know. I've tried groups, I've tried classes, I've tried articles. So does anyone out there in Interwebz land have a clue on how to do this?
Right now, because of this, I am angry...I am angry at my ADD and depression. I am angry that I allowed myself to be consumed with this. I am angry because I allowed this to take time away from my sons and not give them everything they need. I am angry because I am letting this ruin my life. I am angry because the only person I have to blame for my failures is myself. I am angry because I can't set a good example for my son who also has this on how to live and deal and be a success. I am angry because it has prevented me from holding a job and doing what I love. I am angry enough to fight to get my life back but...how?
There are so many things I want to be that I am jealous of others having. I want to be te best mom I can, I want to get organized, I want to be able to lunch with friends, I want to go food shopping and run errands, I want to wake up on Saturday morning and have coffee and do chores, I want to have the job I want desperately (can almost taste it), I want to be responsible with my time and not just dream of these things, I want to be able to really handle life and not just fake it, I want to do all the "perfect" things in my head like eat better, go for walks, balance my checkbook, etc, I want to be able to make sound decisions that aren't stupid or self destructive and most of all I want to teach my son these things so he can function and know this his mom "has his back". I know I can be better but again, it boils down to how?
I found that Flylady was an excellent resource and I've read her articles and suggestions but the problem is that just getting started is a struggle. I have tried and tried and would do amazing for a few days then that little voice comes back and tells me to just stop and I stupidly listen to it. I want to form habits and have this neat little boxed up life but when everything is scattered it's almost impossible to find the matching pieces and make my neat little box. I will find that I can't do something and just give up. My first order of business is removing the word "can't". I am physicially able to do so I just choose to let my head get in the way. I am admitting that I am the problem. I have to get past the "can't" hurdle. Again I'm asking for help from the Interwebz land.
I have to remove the crap that brings me down. I have to learn to say no to everyone when they are trying to suck me dry and lots of them do. I have to stop giving a royal rat's ass about what's not important. I have to be what some already see me as. The problem is the line between reality and that persona is badly skewed. I just want to be better for them. I don't care if I am better for me. I just want to be better for those 2 little boys that call me Mom and bet the hell out of this stupid thing called ADD.
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