Fluttering through Depression

Still trying...sigh...

In actuality I am pretty proud of myself. While I bumped a few times I maintained all that I set out to do. The morning have been easier, the house is lighter, I don't panic as much when someone comes over, I have time and a place to sit and not be a mess. I am almost living a "normal" life.

This has been an amazing effort and for those of you that don't feel that it was or is, you need to live in my head and my world. I can't and won't speak for anyone else. Consider this MY soapbox...

I loathe hearing how depressed everyone thinks I'm not. Unless you are me, don't tell me how to feel, don't tell me I will get over it, don't tell me about people that have it worse, don't tell me all of the wonderful things I have in my life. I went to a doctor and told him how I felt and he (with the medical degree) told me the name of my suffering is depression. You (without the degree) cannot diagnose me or treat me. I put on an excellent public face. No one truly knows but my husband and physician. Just because I smile and laugh doesn't mean that I'm not hiding the pain I am in. The effort it takes me to just breathe. The effort it takes me to get out of bed in the morning and look like a person. The effort it takes me to leave the house and do what I need to do. It is alot. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I know there are those that have it worse and for them I am sorry. Telling me about them will not "fix" me. Telling me about them will not make what I have go away. Telling me about them will essentially do nothing.

I know that I have wonderful things and people in my life. I have two healthy, amazing, funny boys, I have a husband that loves me immensely and does anything to make me smile, I have friends that are my family, I have members of my family that have stayed with me and by my side. I have a roof over my head, I have food in my fridge. I know the amazingness in my life. I don't need it listed for me. My depression is NOT for the incredible blessings I have. My depression is somewhere and something else.

I wish there was a way to describe what it feels like without coming across as lazy and spoiled. There really isn't but I am certainly not lazy. Yes I WAS spoiled. I lived a pretty decent life. I wouldn't call it charmed but it didn't suck horribly. It wasn't sunshine and roses but it was a life. I didn't always handle things the best that I could have but my decisions were what they were. The best way to describe the feeling I have every day is empty. I feel empty, like I have no purpose. I know I do as a wife and mother, but I feel without that I have nothing. When I don't do the things I set out to do I am hard on myself. I give up and nothing gets accomplished. I feel as though I failed. That feeling of failure is so strong it is the voice in my head that keeps me in bed, that voice is the weight on my chest that stops me from accomplishing anything.

I am not sure what writing this will do but I needed to get it off me because of the frustration of hearing what I should feel and what I should be has gotten to be too much. Accept my struggle for what it is and accept that this is my feeling and no one else's. I feel for anyone that has to fight this way with any unseen demon but I can only speak for myself and my story. I guess the bigeest lesson I am trying to teach is don't judge what you don't know and can't see. Your undertstanding and love is what will help me beat this. Your faith in me is what will help me beat this. Your insistence that I am okay will NOT help me get better. Your denial that this exsists will NOT help me get better. Talk to me as you normally would but understand that some days the spark and smile may not exsist. I am not crazy. I am hurting but not crazy.