Tolerance

I was walking to lunch in my building and since I don't know anyone here I get to spend alot of time in my own head...sometimes its fun and sometimes its not. I got to thinking about a blog I had just read from someone who met a small autistic child in an elevator that got stuck and she was able to connect with this boy and let mom vent for a bit. It resonated with me on a few levels...

A few weeks ago His Highness took me to dinner down the shore for my birthday. Great restaurant, great wine, seabreeze...this was a dream date for me. The next table over was a boy, probably about 7 or 8, in a high chair. He was vebalizing and signing and interacting and had the most haunting gorgeous blue eyes I had ever seen (short of my Landon Love). He was gorgeous and blissfully oblivious to the everything going on around him. When it came time for the family to leave they had some difficulty getting him out of the chair without hurting him. A few things got dropped, some silver, a plate etc. I went over to pick up some of the said items and give them a hand as everyone else stared and commented and such and mom was mildly frazzled and he smiled at me. It was like God Himself came down. He was radiant. His mother apologetically looked at me and said "he is autistic" and I said okay cause truthfully that did nothing to sway my opinion of how beautiful this child is. I signed to him in my very rudimentary way of doing so and with what limited knowledge I have and he signed back and we had the semblance of a conversation. They left and the comments subsided with some serious side eye and a comment back about the child being better behaved than their disgusting dog. Not my finest moment but kinda don't care.

It made me think though...why did this woman feel the need to apologize to me for her son's autism. I don't get it. She doesn't owe me anything. Then I realized I do it too with Darling Prince 1. I apologize when he is hyper, I do what I can to stop it (sometimes even leaving). Why do I do that and why do I care about everyone else's perception and feel the need to apologize for a child that I have no regrets for? I will apologize if the does something or hurts someone (which gratefully has never happened). How does that make him feel? Granted he is not on the spectrum but has ADHD and puberty which can and is a pretty lethal mood mix. The massive amount of respect I have for these parents I'm sure means nothing to them because they (like I) are doing the best they can for a child they would lay down their life for. Yea I get my son is hyper...Yea I get he can get annoying at times...but if I say something to him or do the little "knock it off" signal we have going on I don't need the point being reiterated by everyone else. Whether it be family or not I am a one woman show when it comes down to my sons and they use their pleases and thank yous and are respectful and good kids but have their moments...just like some adults I know. Don't start playing rough with him when you know he has no concept of when it ends and expect him to just stop. Doesn't work that way and no I'm not going to cater to you and reprimand him for something he didn't start. Granted, if he did I will end quickly and do something but no, not if he didn't start it.

I don't get the need to give an apology for something that can't be helped. Maybe I am terrible naive in my thinking but that's why it's MY thinking. The biggest bain of existence in my opinion is intolerance. I know I've talked about it before but it is something I am passionate about. Why do people with "perfect" lives and "perfect" children feel the need to think that those of us that have "less than perfect" (that's crap they are all perfect) kids have to cater to them? As I said a few days ago...I am very angry at ADD for the havoc it has reeked upon my life but that doesn't make my son any less "perfect". He is creative and wonderful and will continually root for the underdog. He just wants to make people happy. His smile can light up a room. He is so smart and funny and sees colors and feels music and to me that is a full and rich life. Yes he has his limitations. He is emotional, he has fits of rage, he can't sit still and must hear his name a million times daily. He gets frustrated with himself. He hates those three stupid letters as much as I do if not more. It has cost him friends and understanding. His social skills lack and I try like hell to teach him but how can I when sometimes I don't know any better? I don't let him use this a crutch as I wasn't allowed to either. He does try so hard and I see it in his eyes. I see the hurt and the "why me" moments. Yes, I let him have them sometimes cause he has to but I tell him that it will get better and we learn together.

Why is it people fear what they don't understand? I don't get it. I nor my son asked to have this. I didn't ask to be born white as much as anyone asked to be born black or spanish or asian or german or hungarian or whatever. Why can't acceptance be as correct as ignorance?

Trying to Connect the Pieces

Oh look...I'm useless at work again today. Gratefully, they let me do this.

Feeling crazy defeated today. I miss my boys like mad and the problem with boredom here is that it makes my mind wander. It generally wanders into some sort of horror movie-esque dark alley that has every possible bad thing you can imagine.

So during my less than productive boredom I sit here trying to find ways to better myself. I research schools and daydream about going back. I look up calendars and tips and hoping that maybe I can find that magical site that will just <snap> fix my life. Newsflash...I didn't find it. So today in my disgusting amount of free time, I am looking up fellow Mommy bloggers to follow. It's actually kinda fun to see how I'm not totally alone in some of my feelings. I want to ask them how they get followers, how they get their words out there. I originally started this little sojourn into blogging because I felt it would be fun and a release but now I realize I kinda want to be heard. Maybe another mom out there does feel the way I do. This is something I will continue to explore.

So coming off of yesterday's rant I've decided that today I am going to spend the afternoon cleaning my desk and at least getting my work life in order. After work, I am going to get something done at home..not perfect but something. I mean done. Start to finish. No shortcuts. I need to capitalize on when the boys are with their dad and not sit and simmer and miss them the way I do. I have to start small. If I plan too too big it won't happen. I need to do this for them. We have 2 weeks until school starts and I need to know that I did whatever I could to make this a successful year for them. I have to choose to take the upswing and make it stay there.

The problem with the ADD mom struggle is I write lists. I am an avid list writer. I don't finish them I just write them. So the best of intentions are there. What makes me the maddest of all is when I finally do the things I set out to and find that a) it was painless b) it's too late to fix it now or c) it took 3 minutes. Sad right? It's very easy for anyone to say just get it done the problem is I sabotage the hell out of myself and just don't do it. I don't know why. So my goal for the next few days is make a list and do it. Get it done. I am giving myself till Sunday to get my list done. I have to not get ahead of myself here and take each day as it comes and for those of you that read yesterday...Yea I'm still angry. I have this delusion of grandeur that I am going to get all of the tools I need and religiously and methodically write and plan and take notes on my schedule and daily life. I have to make this delusion a reality. An unorganized mom is pretty bad but an ADD unorganized mom of an ADD kid is worse. Unfortunately, I'm pretty beat cause I'm fairly unorganized. I need my smartphone back. I was super powerful and all knowing with my smartphone...yea well in my disorganization I dropped it and it broke...of course I didn't have insurance that would be too much like thinking ahead...see what I mean...

Stay tuned for tomorrow to see what I do with my magic list...

Ok I suck at this sometimes...

So after my unintentional summer hiatus I am doing it again.

So on my mind today...I think I want to discuss prioritizing as a working mom and how to remain yourself in crazy times like this. Not saying I know how to and I am certainly open to opinion. How to rebuild your life 101? How to relearn all you knew? Lotsa different titles. How to be an adult with another scatterbrained adult who means well? I don't know but let's see...

After recently jumping back into the workforce with an hour commute (yea not happy and looking for closer employment) I now have to depend on everyone else to help and I HATE that. When I come home life is a flurry of movement, a sloppy and disorganized tango of childen, bills, dishes, laundry, dinner, dog and everything. This is a disaster for an Adult ADDer. I am trying to find a way to get organized and I desperately want to but how can I when my head is the 12 different directions? I need to start saying no and just doing what I have to. "Normal" people don't see the work/life juggle as this much of a struggle. For me and those like me it's like a chorus of really bad loud jingle bells. So the cycle goes like this...I get overwhelmed, I snap at people and things, I get sad, I give up. I don't want it that way because I have to learn to deal but if I truly don't know how then what do I do. My "right" mind knows I have to schedule myself and open bills and straighten up but then there's the other procrastinating side that just doesn't care. I need to kill that side but again...how?

At 33 years old with 2 sons and a soon to be husband it's super difficult to admit that you need help. Pride, feeling stupid, not measuring up all get in the way so here I am very publically asking for help. I am trying to set an exmaple for my son on how to live with this but I cant when I don't even know. I've tried groups, I've tried classes, I've tried articles. So does anyone out there in Interwebz land have a clue on how to do this?

Right now, because of this, I am angry...I am angry at my ADD and depression. I am angry that I allowed myself to be consumed with this. I am angry because I allowed this to take time away from my sons and not give them everything they need. I am angry because I am letting this ruin my life. I am angry because the only person I have to blame for my failures is myself. I am angry because I can't set a good example for my son who also has this on how to live and deal and be a success. I am angry because it has prevented me from holding a job and doing what I love. I am angry enough to fight to get my life back but...how?

There are so many things I want to be that I am jealous of others having. I want to be te best mom I can, I want to get organized, I want to be able to lunch with friends, I want to go food shopping and run errands, I want to wake up on Saturday morning and have coffee and do chores, I want to have the job I want desperately (can almost taste it), I want to be responsible with my time and not just dream of these things, I want to be able to really handle life and not just fake it, I want to do all the "perfect" things in my head like eat better, go for walks, balance my checkbook, etc, I want to be able to make sound decisions that aren't stupid or self destructive and most of all I want to teach my son these things so he can function and know this his mom "has his back". I know I can be better but again, it boils down to how?

I found that Flylady was an excellent resource and I've read her articles and suggestions but the problem is that just getting started is a struggle. I have tried and tried and would do amazing for a few days then that little voice comes back and tells me to just stop and I stupidly listen to it. I want to form habits and have this neat little boxed up life but when everything is scattered it's almost impossible to find the matching pieces and make my neat little box. I will find that I can't do something and just give up. My first order of business is removing the word "can't". I am physicially able to do so I just choose to let my head get in the way. I am admitting that I am the problem. I have to get past the "can't" hurdle. Again I'm asking for help from the Interwebz land.

I have to remove the crap that brings me down. I have to learn to say no to everyone when they are trying to suck me dry and lots of them do. I have to stop giving a royal rat's ass about what's not important. I have to be what some already see me as. The problem is the line between reality and that persona is badly skewed. I just want to be better for them. I don't care if I am better for me. I just want to be better for those 2 little boys that call me Mom and bet the hell out of this stupid thing called ADD.